Here are some points to help your own self editing

Author intrusion is where the author’s voice is heard above that of the character.

• Example: ‘She knew Raymond wouldn’t give in to her merely on the basis of their friendship.’ This observation is obviously from the characters’ point of view, it’s being told in her voice. Therefore it’s not necessary to say ‘she knew’. Simply say ‘Raymond wouldn’t give in to her merely on the basis of their friendship.’
• OR, instead of ‘John noticed three men standing on the opposite sidewalk,’ just say ‘Three men stood on the opposite sidewalk.’

Overwriting is something I see frequently. It's:

• Where the author tries too hard to explain, to make sure the reader knows exactly what he means. What can it matter if they have a slightly different perception of your character? Or whether they see the scenery or the layout of a room in a different way? Unless a murder has been committed in that room, what does it matter if the reader ‘sees’ the bookshelf on the left or right? Or if he perceives the paisley drape print as six inches tall instead of three? Does your description of someone’s physical appearance, the setting, clothing, or weather come in the middle of an action scene? If so, it probably slows the story, distracts the reader.
• Showing a scene, then going on to tell about it is overwriting. It shows the reader that you don't trust your talent. Example: The wind whistled through the treetops and twisted the branches into arthritic fingers. The weather was terrible. Would say the same in a more succinct way if you left out the last sentence. The rest shows the weather being bad. It gives the reader something visual.

Show vs. Tell is a difficult concept to understand. It takes practice and perseverance to master the nuances, to know when to tell and when to show. How do you know if you're telling rather than showing your story? If you describe what's going on in a scene, you are probably telling. When you tell rather than show, you are essentially telling the reader how to feel, because it's your version of the story. Showing a scene instead, brings the reader in and lets them experience things right up front in their own way.

Why is there so much emphasis on showing instead of telling?

• to put more emphasis on the character's reaction to it than a description of it
• to immerse the reader in images, senses and dialogue rather than explanations of action
• to present images in ways readers may not have seen them before

The question is, how to do this? One way is to use metaphors and analogies to compare the way things look, smell, sound or taste to that specific character. Rather than tell that the ocean breeze smelled like salt, show how the smell reminded the character of a romantic date he'd had. Or how it tickled his nostrils. Or how the scene affects this character emotionally. Let the sounds of your setting's everyday life permeate the scenes. The way a character reacts or thinks about sounds or events around him deepens the scene, develops the character. Shows the reader.

Always be thinking how the character views each scene. Rather than saying "Debbie sat on the bed," show it creaking under her weight or show its legs scratching across the bare wood floor. The creak or scratch should portray how she sat. If she's angry and throws herself there, the bed will be more likely to bang against the wall. Conversely, if she's calm, she'll probably drop on the bed and it won't make any noise, but might puff up the scent of fabric softener from the quilt. Instead of a long paragraph telling how she was born in Boston, show it in how she says she "always loved the way the moonlight glistened off Boston Harbor" or that she "went to all the Bruins games."

Examples:

• All this man's movements had been deliberate and slow, which seemed to go with his long and extremely lank form. This sentence is okay, but as I said above, it's the opinion of the author. You, the reader are being told what to think about the man. This could read instead: He removed the container from the fire and placed it by the bedroll, his thin arms and legs feeling as if they moved on rusty hinges. This sentence is now from the perspective of the character. It lets the reader assume things about him. Maybe he's been on the road a long time and is tired. Maybe he's old. We learn more about him as the story unfolds.
• However, that day, Sonja decided to turn down the flame and put her romantic ideas on the back burner. This is a different type of telling—it's underwriting. There's not enough here to get a good picture of the character. Let's embellish it, to make the character clearer, more interesting. Sonja sighed and pushed back the chair. Seemed like heroes only came along in fiction stories. Never in real life. She shut down the computer. Maybe it would be better not to write any more, it only made her sad. Then again, the way that biker's thigh muscles rippled...
• The city suffered significant damage in the blast. We have all watched news programs. We've all seen videos of this type of event. We have a preformed picture of what it's like. So, this sentence works, to an extent. But what if a bigger picture is shown? Try: Among the ruins, the reflection of the sun on the pieces of broken glass on the road was so strong it was difficult to hold your head up as you walked. The smell of death was a little fainter than the day before, but the places where houses had collapsed into tile-covered heaps stank and were covered with great, black swarms of flies. The relief squads clearing the ruins seemed to have been joined by reinforcements, since some men whose clothes, though bleached with frequent washing, were not as yet soiled with sweat and grime.

Do you give a play by play description of each character?

• What he’s wearing?
• What brand of makeup she has on?
• A detailed narrative of how she got dressed that morning?

Delete it—well, most of it anyway. Dressing oneself, driving, smoking, eating, and bathing are all static activities; places where nothing but introspection usually happens. Take out these scenes. Unless her clothing or the way she bathes is needed to forward your plot. Leave only what delineates the character.

• Does he always wear black?
• Does she insist on having her nails freshly painted?
• Does she stutter?

Do you try to provide too much of the character’s background?

• Is it really important to tell us she came from Boston and had a sad childhood? Only if it’s directly pertinent to the story. In most cases it’s not. If you want to deepen the character and provide reasons for certain behaviors, dribble the information here and there. Or, use physical references in the narrative itself. Don’t say ‘she came from Boston’, say ‘she always loved the way the moonlight glistened off Boston Harbor.’

Is your narrative overloaded with pronouns?

Try reworking sentences to eliminate them.

• Example:
       ‘Living in Newport Beach was another goal she had already achieved. She loved the beach and always wanted to live there. She lived right on the peninsula where all the action took place.’
• Could say:
       ‘Living on the beach was just another dream Maria had achieved. The parties, the expensive shops, the high profile people; she loved them all, right down to the bicycle cops wearing shorts that exposed well muscled calves and taut thighs...’

This step takes work, but the end result is much tighter, succinct prose.

Consistent point of view.

I won’t go into detail about point of view, there’s too much to say, but as you read through your novel, watch for things that aren’t quite right. That aren’t exactly things your character could actually see or hear. And don’t be cagey about it. If the character’s seeing or hearing something doesn’t happen easily, write it so it does.
Substitute action verbs and physical movements for the adverbs and adjectives.

• Example:
       ‘George finally got up the courage to carefully walk to Ron’s office.’
• Could read:
       ‘George took a breath and let it out, then tiptoed to Ron’s office.’

Taking a breath is a time-worn way of bolstering one’s courage. A little trite but it gets my meaning across here. Also instead of ‘carefully walking’, note that he ‘tiptoed’. This brings the action closer to the reader, makes the character’s emotions more succinct.

Passive voice slows the action, takes it a bit out of focus.

What is passive voice? Verbs that contain ‘had’ ‘were’ had been’ ‘would have’, etc. The fix? Take them out and replace with an action verb.

• Example:
       ‘The plane she was on was going four or five hundred miles an hour.’
• Could read:
       ‘Her plane scorched through the clouds at five hundred miles an hour.’
• Another example:
       “The boy had gone to the store after he’d gone to school.”
• Could say:
       ‘The boy bicycled to the store after sneaking out of school.’

Does the dialogue in your ms sound like the character, or does it sound like you?

• Could you remove the tag lines and identify who said what?
• How would an uneducated boy say good-bye compared to a Yale graduate?
• How would your great grandmother ask you to help with chores compared to how a seven year old child would ask?

Last Updated: 5 February 2010 Cindy’s author & “Characters” web site

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